"He (Adoniram Judson) began to suspect that his real motive in becoming a missionary had been not genuine humility and self-abnegation but ambition- ambition to be the first American foreign missionary; the first missionary to Burma; the first translator of he Bible to Burmese: first in his own eyes and the eyes of men.
He had a lust to excel. That was why he enjoyed the company of important men- ambassadors, generals- such as Crawford and Sir Archibald Campbell. He knew they liked and admored him, and their liking and admiration were like heady wine. In their company he glowed, and his wit flashed sparks like fire.
He had always known that his forwardness, self-pride and desire to stand out were serious flaws in his nature. Now he began to suspect that they were more than flaws. They made his entire missionary career up to now a kind of monstrous hypocrisy, a method of securing prominence and praise without admitting it to himself. He had deluded himself. But he had not deluded God. Perhaps here was the intention in all these deaths (in his family): to teach him true humility.
There was another death in September, that of the native sister Mah Men-lay. Almost half of here little wealth- one hundred and fifty rupees- she had left to the missionaries. A letter from Amherst on one of her last days told Adoniram, 'She is not inclined to converse much.... She exclaimed, "But first of all I shall hasten to where my Saviour sits, and fall down, and worship him, for his great love in sending he teachers to show me the way to heaven.".' To the Golden Shore
